Annalisa relocated overseas to be with her spouse. Today, she faces profound disappointment living in her new adoptive homeland. Her life, once with her dreams and aspirations ahead of her, has gone down a very disturbing path. Today, she wonders whether the decisions she took almost 20 years ago were the right ones.
Annalisa and her spouse—whom she married when same-sex marriage became an option—initially met almost 20 years ago while both working temporarily overseas. Their relationship grew stronger every day, and they were married after only six months of meeting each other. The young couple now had to make a critical decision about where they would start their new life together. They picked Annalisa’s wife’s home country, but that choice has proven to be unexpectedly difficult.
Once settled, Annalisa was able to find work and eventually, permanent resident status. In spite of these successes, the harsh realities of her new world have made Leah feel lonely and unhappy. In a recent conversation with musician and psychotherapist Mark Vahrmeyer, Annalisa shared her journey. She recounted the challenges she faces in establishing a personal correspondence with friends back home.
Vahrmeyer said Annalisa’s story represents someone who doesn’t take the time to think about what’s going to be best for them. He stated, “I’m not surprised you feel depressed. You put up with things [that don’t make you happy].” His thoughts led Annalisa to think deeply about her own marriage to her wife, Silver. They forced her to re-evaluate the decisions that led them to this point.
As they talked, Vahrmeyer asked deep—sometimes difficult—questions to assist Annalisa in finding the answers that would benefit her as an artist. He guided participants with questions such as, “How do you communicate your needs? Are you able to get what you need from your environment? What are alternative ways to meet your needs? It’s very important to answer these questions as Annalisa continues to process how she feels today and what she wants in this future that she sees.
Annalisa might be starting to get frustrated, too. She’s beginning to think that if she doesn’t make her home country more attractive, that’s where she’ll have to go. This simple reflection exposes a vital fear. Are her challenges related to where she lives, or are they based on the unmet promise of her union? For her part, Vahrmeyer urged Annalisa to consider where she wants to be in five years. Then, he advised her to work backward from that vision to identify what’s realistic to get there.
“It’s one thing to talk about detesting somewhere, but how?” Vahrmeyer emphasized the importance of finding actionable steps toward a fulfilling life. Annalisa wades through her complicated feelings with grit and grace. Her experience is a great cautionary tale and serves to highlight struggles that many expats face in foreign places.