In a striking exploration of the complexities of intimacy during challenging times, an author reflects on their personal experiences in a long-term marriage while navigating the harrowing reality of their child’s health crisis. They did realize after 17 years of marriage that one thing was becoming increasingly apparent—conversations surrounding sex were changing. What was once an easy conversation during the beginning of courtship has transformed into a delicate discourse, molded by life’s often fetching interruptions.
The author leads readers through the often uncomfortable territory of sexual intimacy in relationships with refreshing candor and openness. Most importantly, they understand the intricate balancing acts that individuals must perform as spouses, caregivers and workers. They assume the person being discussed is an amazing partner, parent, employee, employer, son, or daughter—reflecting a deep understanding of the complex identities people hold.
During a particularly distressing period, when their one-year-old son faced brain surgery for a cancer diagnosis, the author experienced a rare moment of intimacy with their spouse. In the midst of all that fear and uncertainty, they discovered a unique path to connection. Their connection seemed to be vital, and yet improbable.
“We were so crazy and scared and holding each other so tight, we actually wound up having sex, twice, a few hours apart,” – Robert Delaney
The author reflects on this demanding and vulnerable experience, as well as the heavy feelings that came along with it. They understand that moments like this are jarring for many Americans. This is particularly the case when they are disseminated in context with their child’s life threatening injury.
“I realise it sounds insane to say that we had sex twice while our one-year-old had brain surgery across the street. I would normally omit that very personal fact, which might horrify some people, but I am sharing it primarily for the benefit of other parents who might have been through something similar and were terrified and crying and nearly hyperventilating with anxiety. I guess we were just so scared and wanted to be so close, and the horror of what was happening around the block didn’t erase the fact that we loved each other, and sometimes that love manifests as sex,” – Robert Delaney
The author focuses on finding ways that the immediacy of life’s challenges can upend and saturate intimacy and wonderfully disrupt expectations. In new relationships, sexual encounters are fresh, thrilling, and full of spark. As relationships settle into the long-term, making sex feel like a predictable habit to the point of creating cute names like “three humps in missionary.” This jarring juxtaposition begs us to consider how our conception of love and intimacy has changed with age.
Further, the author remembers the way in which friends would discuss the state of their sex life with each other when they first started dating. What made those conversations special was the radical openness, the openness that made nothing off-limits. As life moved into the territory of marriage and parenthood, these kinds of conversations started to dry up.
Despite the ongoing challenges posed by their son’s health, the author views their moment of intimacy during the surgery as a crucial connection point amid chaos. They know fear and anxiety loom large in their communities. To fight this anxiety, they make sure to keep their partner physically near to them.
This powerful piece addresses themes of love and loss, influenced by Delaney’s own devastating experience of losing his young son Henry to a brain tumor. These truths and stories ring the truest for those who live them, providing hope and perspective in a world of profound hurt.