Below, writer and curator Phineas Harper offers his wisdom on responding to party invites. He was firm in his belief that you should only say no to an invite under two exact circumstances. As Harper puts it, guests should either refuse an invitation far in advance or not refuse at all. He makes a good case for why dropping off on event day is rude. It can be just plain “maddeningly unhelpful” for hosts who have spent days and hours sweating the details to make their events run smoothly.
Hosts traditionally invested a great deal of sweat equity into cleaning, baking, and playlist creation in preparation for their guests. Getting last-minute RSVPs right before an event is a real pain. Having attendees announce their inability to attend at the last minute only increases that pressure. As Harper says, getting blasted by a tsunami of “thanks but no thanks” letters can wipe you out. This is particularly the case when the host is planning for the event.
In Britain, it’s standard practice for guests at big parties to text the day before to say they can’t make it. This cultural expectation can create additional stress on hosts already feeling the strain as the day draws near. For smaller gatherings, such as intimate dinners, guests may opt to send a brief note of apology if they need to cancel suddenly. Instead, Harper proposes the most successful messages may be grovelling ones, even in the worst of situations. Something as simple as sending a bouquet or note after the fact may be in order too.
Nothing is more frustrating than a last-minute cancellation. They can spell doom—a missed opportunity not just for the host who oversteps, but for the guest who chooses to cancel. New Year’s Eve is a great lens through which to understand the annoyance of abrupt dropouts. The joy of celebrating with friends easily transforms into frustration as guests go ghost on you days—or even hours—before the big day! Sending last-minute, poorly crafted apologies within 48 hours of the event can cost you a lot of goodwill as well. It undermines the really terrific celebratory atmosphere that communities and hosts want to foster.
Guests who regularly host big parties across Britain will know all too well that last-minute shocks are part and parcel of the calendar. Harper stresses the importance of having etiquette in social spaces. She figures it’s a lot more kind to say no to an invitation sooner than waiting until the 11th hour. Lastly, he explains why accepting a dinner invitation is almost always considered more polite than declining the invitation. Rejecting it at the 11th hour often feels rude.