In recent years, a growing number of couples over the age of 60 have embraced a modern approach to relationships known as "living apart together" (LAT). This trend is gaining traction as older adults seek to maintain their independence while enjoying committed relationships. A UK study reveals that older couples choosing LAT arrangements report better mental wellbeing compared to those who remain single. This lifestyle choice, characterized by a deep commitment without cohabitation, offers an alternative to traditional partnerships.
Mark and Marina, both in their 60s, exemplify this trend. For 19 years, they have maintained a committed relationship while living separately. Residing within walking distance of each other, they spend Friday and Saturday nights together but enjoy their own space from Monday to Thursday. According to Mark, "I think of her constantly during the day," yet they do not feel the need for constant communication. Marina echoes this sentiment, stating, "I don’t phone unless I’ve got something to say." When they are together, there is an undeniable intensity and connection. Marina explains, "But when we’re together, there’s an intensity and a real exchange. We just don’t stop talking. We’re never stuck for a word. I love his company."
Similarly, Andy and Leigh, another couple in their 60s, have sustained a LAT relationship for 14 years. They spend weekends together while maintaining separate residences during the week. For Leigh, the decision to live apart stems from a desire for personal space following a divorce: "When I got divorced, I wanted my own space." Both partners cherish the freedom LAT provides, allowing them to pursue individual interests without compromising their relationship. Leigh remarks, "We’ve never begrudged each other the chance to do those things that we like to do solely."
LAT relationships are not merely arrangements of convenience; rather, they can be conscious choices made by individuals who value autonomy and independence. The case of Lindy and Colin illustrates this point. Over their 20-year relationship, they have intermittently considered cohabitation but have ultimately chosen to live apart. This choice reflects a broader cultural shift in which it is increasingly common for people to experience multiple significant relationships throughout their lives.
Despite living apart, these relationships can be as committed and long-lasting as traditional ones. Mark is unequivocal in his commitment to Marina, referring to her as his significant other. He appreciates the freedom LAT affords him: "It’s not freedom to go and chase other women or anything stupid like that," he clarifies. "It just gives me freedom to be myself. I love it." Marina shares this appreciation for independence, valuing her ability to focus on her career and personal time: "I just appreciate my own space and my own thinking time."
The benefits of LAT extend beyond personal autonomy. As Shaw observes, "People who have quite busy separate lives … want the time without question and without interruption to get on with those things." This lifestyle allows couples to stay connected without the daily obligations associated with cohabitation. Andy highlights that their commitment is rooted in mutual enjoyment rather than external factors: "Our commitment is not based on financial or real estate –," Leigh adds, "– or children that we have together. It’s purely because we enjoy each other’s company."