Renowned child psychologist Becky Kennedy is urging parents to rethink the common phrase "good job," contending it can be a "conversation ender" if not followed by specific praise. By moving beyond generic compliments, parents can foster a deeper sense of inner efficacy in their children, crucial for them to believe in their own abilities. This shift in parenting approach aims to help children become confident and successful adults, capable of challenging themselves in pursuit of their goals.
Kennedy, who holds a PhD in clinical psychology from Columbia University and hosts the "Good Inside" parenting podcast, emphasizes that specific praise should highlight a child's real effort, persistence, creativity, independence, and competence. She believes that relying on external validation can leave children feeling "very empty and very fragile," potentially leading to heightened anxiety.
"In those moments, we want as parents to double down on building our kid's confidence. That's usually the goal we're optimizing for," – Becky Kennedy
The phrase "good job" isn't inherently harmful, but its effectiveness diminishes when it lacks specificity. Parents are encouraged to be more descriptive in their praise, which can help children develop a growth mindset and build self-validation skills.
Aliza Pressman, another expert in the field, echoes this sentiment.
"When we say 'Good job!' it's got to be sincere and specific. Tell kids when you recognize their real effort, persistence, creativity, independence, and competence," – Aliza Pressman
Kennedy further explains the long-term benefits of specific praise.
"What's really helpful down the road is when you produce something — maybe it's art, maybe it's a [work] project — and being able to give yourself some estimation of that before others do is very helpful to your whole self-concept and protective of anxiety and depression." – Becky Kennedy
Teaching children to validate themselves without waiting for generic praise from others is crucial for their success as adults. This self-validation is identified by Kennedy as one of the most important core skills children need to learn.
"Kids who grow up relying on the outside world for validation can be 'very empty and very fragile [and] very, very anxious,'" – Becky Kennedy