Professor M, a woman in her 50s, found herself reflecting on a significant aspect of her past that had profoundly shaped her life. As an international student in her 20s, she began her doctoral studies in America. During their time apart, she had started a tumultuous long-distance affair with someone she’d recently met. This long-term relationship was shaped by regular overnight visits, weekends together, and sharing of holidays. Her lover had kids from a previous marriage, and he just couldn’t abandon his kids. In a way, this only further complicated their contentious relationship.
Despite the deep connection they shared, Professor M’s lover made it clear that he could not sacrifice his children’s lives for his own happiness. The news came as a shock to Professor M, who contemplated suicide as a consequence. Wanting to more fully explore her emotions and the effects of the affair, she sought therapy.
In treatment, Professor M’s fierce authority came through, taking over sessions, at times controlling the entire flow of discussion and denying her therapist the opportunity to talk. After more than 200 sessions, the therapist felt burnt out and dissatisfied with the therapy.
“I felt a despondent exhaustion as well as a feeling of not being able to ‘bear’ her.” – The author (the therapist)
Over the early summer, Professor M’s lover was intermittently communicating, which left her feeling anxious and unsettled. At some point, he stopped communicating altogether, forcing her to grapple with the fact that she may never reunite with him. Despite this, she stayed in therapy for the next several years, slowly but surely tapering down how often she went.
Lynn’s therapist noticed that she would frequently revert back to the point in her life where she encountered her newfound soulmate. The relationship was life-changing, indeed soul-shaking, for her. She’s still dealing with the fallout today.
“This would not end well.” – The author (the therapist)
Professor M remained in touch with her therapist through occasional letters updating them on her life. The therapeutic journey made clear for Professor M just how badly the affair had disrupted her life. It highlighted her continuing battle to process this traumatic experience.