As we continue to move more and more of our face-to-face interactions online, the importance of a well-crafted apology message has become even more important. As Karina Schumann, an expert on the science of effective apologies, makes an important distinction, a true apology is more than just atonement — it includes taking sincere action to amend. Schumann’s reflections illuminate the challenges involved in offering any sort of impactful apology. Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy, the founders of the blog Sorrywatch, play an enormous role in opening eyes to this reality.
Schumann emphasizes that at the heart of any apology is a commitment to do better next time. Her research illustrates a dangerous assumption: that when most people think of apologies, they’re picturing a quick magic wand solution. In truth, real reconciliation requires you to know the other person’s heart and place.
Ingall and McCarthy started Sorrywatch in 2012, because they wanted to critique celebrity apologies that fail spectacularly. Their platform surfaces plenty of examples of what they call “non-apologies.” More importantly perhaps, it demonstrates how public leaders use and sometimes abuse political power in order to evade accountability for their misconduct.
“Sorry if,” “sorry but,” and “sorry I forgot that you don’t really have a sense of humour about that” are examples of phrases that dilute the sincerity of an apology, according to Ingall and McCarthy. Phrases like these can create a culture that makes it difficult for the people your grant funds to ever feel appreciated or valued.
Karina Schumann, who studies apologies at the University of Pittsburgh, stresses that a good apology sends a precise and powerful signal. “It’s going to be really important that this person feels that you are committed to never behaving this way again, that this was a one-time mistake,” she asserts. Unfortunately, without this commitment, even the most well-articulated innovation apologies will all fall short.
Findings from social science research have outlined a number of steps to craft an effective apology, with Schumann recommending an eight-element template. This framework is notable for intentionally recognizing that harm. It means providing reparations and paying attention to the pain articulated by the wronged party. She highlights the importance of listening, stating, “It’s crucial to listen to the other person, regardless of what they have to say.”
Perhaps the most important element of a genuine apology is the direct admission of the harm. You have to prove that you get the reason why your action inflicted hurt. Ingall stresses the importance of stating the obvious, that “I am sorry” or “I apologize” is essential. Schumann even more deeply roots the idea, proposing that providing context not only can correct the initial misunderstanding, but can stave off future misinterpretations.
Schumann’s major tip here is don’t just say you’re sorry. To avoid making assumptions, ask questions and get clear on how the other person is feeling. This approach fosters dialogue and clarity. She even argues that selfless reparations, like returning flowers, are important and noteworthy. Equally important, it shows a clear desire to heal that relationship.
McCarthy and Ingall have seen many such apologies over the years. Or, at least some of them, feel the need to chastise public figures by demanding retractions or forcing them to apologize for sham efforts to apologize. Over the last few years, they’ve been deconstructing apologies. Sometimes they still find examples that are so bad, they warrant their own smackdowns.
Effective apologies take more than words. They take an awareness of relational power. Schumann posits that one must recognize, “The majority of the time we are hurting each other, it’s not out of malicious intent.” This perspective helps create the empathy and deeper willingness to make amends.
” I would never advise going through it like a checklist,” she states, emphasizing the need for authenticity in expressing regret.