An American-born daughter of Chinese immigrants comes to a deeply painful and heartbreaking realization about her family’s history. She takes us into her disturbing remembrance of the abuse her oldest sister suffered at the hands of their father. Decades later, this powerful account lays bare the profound damage of the abuse he suffered. It reveals the author’s ambivalence as she came to terms with jealousy, fear, and denial that colored her childhood.
The oldest sister suffered through an incestuous affair with their father that started when she was a teenager. While the author, just ten years old at the time, was acutely aware of the disturbing actions taking place in the dark of night, she felt trapped between a desire to understand and a wish to remain oblivious. In their father’s clandestine visits—themselves violations of the rules the parents had spoken of—the father raped the eldest sister. Little did they know the impact of this troubling chapter in their lives would have on their family structure for decades to come.
The reality was that when the author was ten, her sharing a bedroom with her eldest sister was a personal violation. If he ever touches you, you scream, her sister had told her in whispers—it was a bone-tingling reminder of the evil that threatened to destroy their family from within. Through those formative years, the author observed that their father disproportionately favored his eldest sibling. This disturbing bias inflicted emotional wounds that never completely healed on both girls.
A Family Divided by Secrets
The father’s predatory behavior didn’t stop there. So when his eldest sister hit fourteen, he hurried to give this budding woman all the things he assured were “facts of life.” He promised that these conversations would facilitate her development. This paternal counseling, it turned out, was meant only to salt the earth of betrayal and gaslighting. And the author didn’t know whether to cry or cheer. The combination of feeling super jealous for all the fun her sister was having with this strong instinct to protect her.
“The eldest sister is singled out for special treatment by the father,” the author noted, reflecting on how this preferential treatment intensified her feelings of inadequacy and confusion. As the author’s mother, raised in a stifling Catholic upbringing, was shielded completely from the terrors that were happening right under her nose. This ignorance provided yet another barrier to an already contentious family relationship.
Over the years, the author found herself choosing to isolate in her room at night. She and her younger sister ran to their rooms to hide. Even more than that, they knew the emerging threats details were found on their doorstep. This reaction turned into a survival tactic, providing them the emotional barrier to insulate themselves from what their father was truly doing.
The Long Road to Truth
She was afraid for almost fifty years until the oldest sister found the courage to tell her story. She was courageous enough to reveal the trauma she suffered to me. After spending decades in silence, she was ready to speak out about what happened to her. That was the moment that crushed me and the truth came crashing down. They had all felt that something was wrong all this time, but they had never found the bravery to act on it.
“My younger sisters have different stories. They too came close to being sexually abused by our father,” the author shared, indicating that this pattern was not isolated to just one sibling. This larger backdrop sheds light on a painful, intergenerational legacy of abuse in their family that has been quiet for many years.
The author’s emotional devastation is palpable as she contemplates the meaning of these discoveries. A brush fire. It burns up your heart,” she quotes Haruki Murakami, capturing the destruction caused by such treachery and hidden agendas. Her nostalgia and trauma merge, as she finds herself navigating a complicated emotional terrain on gallery walls and in her own mind. It’s full of anger, bitterness, regret, and an overwhelming need for peace.
Navigating Jealousy and Pain
Jealousy was a constant theme in the author’s mind throughout this process. It had an outsize impact on her thinking about her dynamic with her oldest sister. She was mad at her father for ignoring her in favor of her sister. At the same time, she wanted to understand the realities that were not made possible for her. This ambivalent feeling was toxic to their relationship and fed a source of guilt that festered for decades.
Our author, of course, is still trying to figure out how to deal with all these emotions as she enters adulthood. The bitter reality struck her like a hammer. While she experienced no trauma as she lived in total denial, their relationship was damaged, something that would take years to repair. Despite feeling anger toward their father, there was an undercurrent of envy for the attention and affection he bestowed upon the eldest sister.