Elaine Swann is a popular etiquette expert and the author of Elaine Swann’s Book of Modern Etiquette. She said the most common of all little white lies. She urges people to stop calling “little white lies” on invitations. This trend has captured the imaginations of a lot of people, inspiring one writer to complete a two-week long personal challenge based entirely around honesty. The results were shocking and revealed the difficulty and impact of lying in our day-to-day lives.
The writer, who had previously relied on small untruths to navigate social situations, found that the decision to cease lying was not only liberating but revealing. This inquiry into truthness opened up the exploration into why people lie on a much deeper level. It exposed the emotional and relational undertones that were at work during these encounters.
The Reasons Behind Lying
A 2022 study published in the Canadian Journal of Behavioral Science revealed some underlying drivers for lying. These motivations run the gamut from altruistic to nefarious to simply wanting to avoid the stigma of bad grades. This resonates with what Matt Lundquist, psychotherapist and clinical director at Tribeca Therapy in New York, has observed. Lundquist explains that some individuals lie for malicious reasons, aiming “to get one over on people, and achieve all the ill-gotten gains that come from deceitfulness.”
Additionally, perhaps most importantly, as Lundquist points out, a person’s likelihood to lie can be shaped by their developmental environments. He states, “When we were younger, how the adults around us were able to tolerate disappointment and frustration shaped how comfortable we became with telling the truth.” That means the biggest factor in determining how honest you are, after your inherent traits, is what you went through those first few years of life.
Instead, Swann argues for an intentional approach to the way we communicate. She thinks that though honesty of purpose is important, this needs to be combined with wisdom and caution. She reminds us to relieve ourselves of the responsibility of controlling other people’s emotions. We should not take the presumption that they’ll be put off. Honest yet kind This view underscores the precarious line between honesty and kindness.
A Commitment to Honesty
Whether you determine to stop deceiving for just one week, a month or a lifetime, making this choice takes courage. For the writer, the journey began with a simple but profound realization. Most importantly, they realized how often they had used untruths to safeguard themselves from tension and unease. They recognized that lying often allowed them to pretend they had not caused any offense and that they were never at fault.
Over the course of this two-week experiment, the writer encountered multiple situations in which they otherwise would have likely gone straight to lying. For instance, when asked about a book they had been reading, they admitted the truth: they had only listened to 15% of the audiobook and found the characters unlikable. In the latter case, they favored transparency over obfuscation. Two days before the event, they let a mutual friend know they had something unexpected come up and weren’t coming.
Love from partners and pals can go a long way in boosting your confidence to be more truthful. The writer’s fiancé, Jared, a straight-talking guy, was fully on board with this crazy idea. Their unguarded candor was truly refreshing. When Jared was finally honest about dreading going to another book club meeting, it released a lot of tension and made their relationship feel more fun and flirtatious again.
Emotional Effects of Lying
There is growing research showing that deception is harmful to mental and physical health. Dr. Sharon Leal, deputy director of the SAGE Research for Society Programme at the University of Portsmouth, is working to understand how lies create social threat and psychological distress. She cautions that even little white lies induce anxiety and stress that can be harmful. This anxiety and stress, like any other stress, will wreak havoc on your body.
The writer discovered this firsthand during their experiment. They described feeling like a “slug: spineless and slimy” when resorting to dishonesty. That emotional burden deepened their resolve to be honest. Lundquist adds that there is often “a missed opportunity to build the kind of closeness that comes in being more direct.”
The writer picked transparency over convenience. Through this decision, they have deepened their relationships and cultivated their own sense of authenticity.
Reflections on the Journey
As the two-week experiment drew to a close, the writer shared their big lessons learned with Jared. All three of them realized that this experience had deepened their sense of what honesty is all about, and how crucial it is to creating authentic community. Jared pledged his support and let us know that he’s been feeling like reading books so long as they’re not too long. He dropped the plan to join the book club.