In a troubling exploration of modern intimacy, several women have come forward to share their harrowing experiences with strangulation during sexual encounters. Now in her 30s, Laura shares how experiences like this one have shaped her life ever since—including suffering from severe memory loss and fatigue. Sophie, now 21, expresses concerns for younger children who are producing and consuming this violent pornography. She feels that it has warped her peers’ views of sex and relationships. Carrie is based in Washington, DC. She tells the story of the first time she was strangled, as a vulnerable young adult in her early twenties when her partner, who had significant control over their relationship, strangled her.
A recent study shows just how bad it is out there — more than half of people younger than 35 reported experiencing strangulation during sex at least once. Incredibly, the women in all these cases did not go to the hospital after these meetings. That silence is a powerful testament to the normalizing of these acts and their potential mental and physical health impacts.
Laura explains how her long-term partner’s secret enjoyment of violent pornography affected their relationship and power dynamics. “It was, I think, the only thing that could excite him – which is really worrying – and that’s what he got used to,” she said. Like many patients, Laura now contends with a series of long-lasting symptoms, telling us, “I suffer from frequent headaches. I get weakness. So I’ve had a huge uptick in all my tinnitus, light headedness, all kinds of things like that.”
Sophie feels as strongly about the effect of violent porn on her generation as I do. She argues that it has contributed to a vastly “warped perception of intimacy.” Reflecting on her own experience, she recalls a moment that turned terrifying: “I blacked out, my legs were kicking, I broke a glass. When I did regain consciousness, I was unable to figure out who he was, where I was, what had happened. And it was utterly terrifying.
Given these traumatic encounters, we were surprised that both Sophie and Carrie did not pursue medical care after their experiences. Carrie shared her initial reactions during her first strangulation encounter: “When we first started going out, I would have been like ‘Oh, you can choke me if you want to’, and he would say: ‘Why would I do that? I don’t want to do that. I care about you.’” This perspective shifted as she navigated the complexities of consent and submission with her partner, stating, “He had said ‘Do you agree to submit to me?’ and I said yes, but I didn’t really know what that meant.”
Carrie’s experiences were equally harrowing. “I remember, frequently he would be strangling me, and I would be fighting to stay awake,” she recounted. These examples reinforce the critical importance of teaching consent. They further illuminate what we know about the effects of violent media on young people’s concepts of healthy relationships.
The same study mentioned above found young people as young as 16 have undergone strangulation during sexual experiences. This troubling trajectory underlines the importance of taking these conversations about intimacy, consent, and more to K-12 educational environments.
As communities and individuals continue to deal with these devastating truths, meaningful legislation is finally starting to reflect that reality. And across the pond, UK authorities are moving to outlaw pornography depicting strangulation and suffocation by year’s end. This change is a crucial step in addressing the normalization of violence in sexual contexts.
Sophie reflected on the anxiety she feels for future generations: “I can only imagine the anxiety I’d have in the future if I have girls,” she said. These women’s collective experiences underline a major need for education and awareness. To create a safer society, we need to make everyone aware of the dangers of sexual violence and its long-term impact.