Every new conversation about sex seems to unveil more myths that continue to get propagated through popular culture. Professionals agree that most of these myths cause unnecessary worry and pressure, particularly related to penis size and sexual performance. As Dr. James Earl put it, the mind and body are not on the same clock. This misalignment can lead to mixed messages when it comes to sexual performance and pleasure.
Surveys indicate that 55% of non-LGBTQI+ men are comfortable with their penis size. Only 62% of gay and bisexual men say they would feel just as comfortable. Unfortunately, like stage fright, performance anxiety is something many people deal with. Research indicates that as many as 1 in 4 men and 1 in 6 women experience these issues. This story explores what’s driving these fears. It’s a great resource for providing people with strategies to better understand—and therefore, more positively navigate—their sexual experiences.
Historical Context of Sex Education
As we’ve seen in the past, education around sex has mostly taught the anatomy and reproduction without addressing all parts of human sexuality. Most people are socialized with a very limited definition of intercourse, which is usually just defined as penis-in-vagina. This narrow view can lead to tensions that undermine the deeper experience of connection.
Dr. Shirin Lakhani helps us with this one and explains that our societal norms have given way too much importance to penis size. She explains, “For men especially, there is the belief that the bigger it is the more pleasurable sex will be.” This notion can lead to anxiety and insecurity among men, particularly when they compare themselves to unrealistic portrayals in media.
A lot of straight men just link anal sex to being gay and therefore miss out on learning about so many important practices. This mindset can be so overwhelming that it makes it impossible to have honest, open discussions about sexual orientation and attraction.
Understanding Sexual Anxiety and Its Impact
Performance anxiety can ruin sex in the most unfortunate of ways. As Dr. Emily Jamea notes, “Our culture treats the body like a lie detector test,” leading many to feel pressure to perform perfectly. Jamea wants people to know that bodies are not machines. There are a number of stressors, medications, trauma, and hormonal changes that can affect sexual response.
The role of communication in easing anxiety should not be downplayed. Jamea wants couples to take the time to see how their partner is feeling when they are being intimate. She advises, “Slow things down, check in and focus on what feels good, not just what ‘should’ be happening in the moment.” This method creates a more egalitarian, teamwork-centered, and mutual experience with both partners co-creating their greater pleasure.
It’s fruitful to challenge our own preconceived notions about what “intercourse” means. Dr. Lakhani recommends trying other things such as oral sex or using your hands to take the pressure off penis size. She affirms, “Even if society has made you feel uncomfortable about discussing penis size, your partner should be understanding and reassuring.”
The Role of Communication in Sexual Satisfaction
Research supports that effective communication shapes sexual experiences both positively and negatively. During intimate moments, Dr. Jamea suggests asking open ended questions like “What feels good to you” to get the conversation started. This very basic question can change an encounter from one person pursuing their own pleasure to both people working together to create pleasure.
“That simple question can turn it into a collaborative experience where you’re co-creators and active participants with the shared goal of making it better for everyone,” Jamea explains. By focusing on what feels good for both, partners can foster a space where emotional intimacy and connection can flourish.
Additionally, Jamea emphasizes the need to recognize your sexual motivation as an organic motivational system instead of a static want. “It’s better understood as a motivational system that orients us towards pleasure, connection, novelty or emotional closeness,” she states. This lens invites people to think about what type of environment would make them more receptive to connecting intimately.