Brooklyn Beckham took to social media to announce his estrangement from his entire family, just last week. This surprising experience has led to discussions about what goes into parent-child relationships. If only it were that simple. This announcement, made through Instagram, draws attention to an issue that many families are facing in cities across the country. Research indicates that approximately 10% of mothers in the country are estranged from at least one adult child, with over 40% of participants in a recent study reporting some form of estrangement.
Family therapists have identified three principal reasons contributing to these estrangements: abuse, conflicts arising from new partners, and irreconcilable differences over morals, values, and beliefs. These factors can foster deep divides between parents and children, resulting in varied levels of engagement or total estrangement.
Brooklyn Beckham’s boasts point to an alarming trend among adult children. In their late 20s, many are resisting family pressures in this life stage called emerging adulthood. The experts we spoke with agree this time can be formative for emerging adults. They develop autonomy and find their individuality, separate from their families.
Family therapist Becca Bland noted, “A lot of estranged parents are very well intended, but don’t understand that their intentions didn’t create the impact for their child to feel loved or supported or included.” This all too relatable sentiment speaks to the bittersweet reality of family, a dynamic wherein care is often difficult to express in value-added ways.
The Beckhams’ family feud has garnered significant media attention, with David and Victoria Beckham’s public image juxtaposed against the private struggles of their children. Yet new partners’ impacts can be quite serious on family well-being. Kids can easily find themselves on the frontlines with adults who do not support their family’s worldview or faith. Bland explained, “Commonly they’ll choose a partner who doesn’t align with the family belief system, and can support their breaking away.”
Lucy Blake is a leading researcher in family estrangement. She wrote a book about the topic and is quick to highlight that every estrangement is different. She explained that treatment works best when it doesn’t take a cookie cutter approach. The unique history and context of each relationship needs to be recognized for meaningful and productive resolution to occur.
“With the clients I see, it’s really helpful to be able to name it,” said Blake. She pointed out that recognizing if a family member is gaslighting or projecting their trauma can help individuals navigate the complexities of these relationships. She noted that family systems themselves are often places that can re-traumatize people. This is frequently the case when one party does not have visibility into how their actions affect others.
Estrangement can manifest in various ways: complete no contact, low or limited interactions, or fluctuating between these states over time. Yet, the grief journey can be intensely exacerbated by societal norms on what family dynamics are “supposed to be.” Research reveals that there is no ideal or “normal” parent-adult child dyad. Just as importantly, every connection is uniquely shaped by personal experiences and environmental influences.
Brooklyn Beckham’s reflections on the best ways to nurture familial relationships illustrates how social media has changed personal interactions. He criticized “performative social media posts, family events and inauthentic relationships,” suggesting that public personas often mask deeper issues within families. Family therapist Debbie Keenan praised Beckham for having the courage to take a stand and speak about his experiences. “That took a lot of courage. I think he’s putting his partner first,” she remarked.
The discourse on estrangement continues, demonstrating the nuance of these circumstances. Deep-seated issues may deeply undergird them, calling for deft handling. Like therapists, they push for frank conversation and understanding, trying to close gaps where able.