Together, Roxane Gay and Debbie Millman make perhaps the most interesting power couple in contemporary culture. They have been blessed with a wonderful loving marriage for 42 years. Their relationship is a beautiful portrayal of love, communication, and mutual support, even when the two are opposites in nature. map courtesy Tandem49 They live and work next door to each other in Minneapolis, MN. As a unit, they’ve handily traversed life’s labyrinth, proving that what makes them different is an asset to their duo, not a detriment.
Debbie Millman, famous and admired in her own right as the host of the long-running podcast “Design Matters,” adds both warmth and trepidation to their relationship. Millman goes deep in the conversations about their feelings, what they call a “feelings-forward” approach. This kind of total exuberance could not be more opposite to Gay’s more meek temperament. Even with all these differences though, the couple have developed a rich appreciation for each other’s needs, resulting in a close-knit, fruitful life together.
Navigating Differences
Roxane Gay and Debbie Millman
Opposites attract, and these two dynamic women are living proof. Where Gay is less likely to vocalize her feelings, Millman will put everything out on the table. This dynamic could have developed friction between the teams. Instead, it has brought them closer together. Millman’s fierce love compels her to inquire about Gay’s feelings continually, ensuring that no emotional stone goes unturned.
Their different approaches, as well as their close working relationship, have inspired them to create new forms of communication. And, importantly, they have embraced strategies that allow for or adapt to their creative approaches. They’ve adopted a traffic light system to communicate their tension levels. This method helps readjust the tone of the discussion so that kids feel comfortable discussing their feelings. This system allows them to gain a clearer picture of what’s possible with each other. It establishes an environment where both people are honored and listened to.
“We use a traffic light system to tell each other about our tension levels.” – Laura McClure
The couple’s home, adorned with a library that reflects their shared love for literature and learning, serves as a sanctuary where they can explore their differences while nurturing their shared interests.
The Power of Support
Millman’s support goes further than safe space and emotional conversations. She pushes Gay in her work. So, when Gay made the decision to take an alternative education route towards becoming a new counselor, Millman was all-in on her path. Yet it illustrated Millman’s commitment to Gay’s personal development and flourishing. This unshakable support is the foundation of their partnership.
In addition to her experience and relationships, Millman has a reputation for refusing to shy away from a fight. Whether fighting an issue with a hotel room or pushing airlines to improve things while in-flight, she never takes any crap. This rosy characteristic, aside from emphasizing the vivacious outlook of her spirit, gives a nice counterpoint to Gay’s more contemplative personality.
Gay values this bluntness in Millman, admiring that her partner’s honesty cuts through confusion and grief in dark times.
“I often think, look at this woman go!” – Roxane Gay
Combined, they become a powerful environment that allows for individual expression and a collective ability to address tough challenges.
Finding Calm Amidst Chaos
Roxane Gay says her new marriage to Debbie Millman has given her a kind of peace she never thought she’d know. After years of navigating life’s challenges independently, she finds solace in the partnership they have built. The safety and affection Millman provides creates the space for Gay to index her sadness with unprecedented candor.
Millman tackles the tough stuff head on—and that’s not just when it comes to things outside her department. This proactive approach equally applies to their internal relationship building. The couple frequently engages in conversations that challenge them but ultimately lead to deeper understanding and connection.
If there’s one thing that Roxane Gay can always count on from her friend and fellow artist and writer Debbie Millman, it’s honesty. This kind of openness lets both partners develop in concert with one another, not at cross-purposes.