The ethical debate around contemporary queer marriages and relationships casts shadows familiar to the lavender marriages of the 1930s. Renowned The Guardian columnist Emma Beddington explores the ways in which contemporary unions are redefining what love and partnership mean. She sets this up in contrast to the historical default understanding of marriage as a property-based transaction and patriarchal institution.
Over the past few years, we have seen a major change in how people view and interact within relationships. Many are choosing relationships that fulfill emotional connection, sexual experience, and provision over expectation. Lee, a participant in this evolving narrative, articulates the sentiment many feel:
“I realised how much easier it is for me to move through this world with a partner.” – Lee
This general trend towards remapping gendered, age-old relationships has spilled onto TikTok with a new breed of submissive ‘tradwives’ taking the platform by storm. These women often emphasize traditional roles within marriage, leading to contrasting views on modern partnerships that challenge historical norms.
Beddington emphasizes that these new coalitions are fighting to have all kinds of love recognized, honored, and respected. In the past, people thought of marriage as a business deal. Today, we accept a broader spectrum of relational configurations. Yet social problems such as the proliferation of book bans and deeply conservative, narrowly defined “Christian” values have muddied this conversation. More recently, some evangelicals have started to cast empathy as a sinful inclination, deepening the culture war rhetoric against love and partnership even more.
The author is thrilled to see new definitions of marriage playing out and with it alternative friend pacts similar to the varieties practiced in the past. Tiffany Watt Smith’s recently released book Bad Friend examines the role of these pacts across history. She illuminates equally mysterious creatures such as the 13th-century Iberian coniurationes and early-modern French affrèrements. These historical luminaries can remind us that deep friendships among individuals have been valued across many cultures and eras, through many forms of connection.
In some cultures, like the Aku women in Cameroon, partnerships can go beyond traditional labels. Selecting a belayDo raises a good friend to family level. This custom celebrates our culture’s awareness of affective ties that reach further than amorous attachments.
Yet, some critics argue that blurring the lines between friendship and romantic partnerships can diminish the significance of love-based unions. Greenstone expresses concern:
“cheapens what we really have, which is a love match.” – Greenstone
At its core, this tension illuminates a more general and fundamental issue. The modern day question of what is a bona fide relationship. April Lexi Lee and Sheree Wong humorously encapsulate this dynamic with their remark:
“bestied so hard we got married … platonically.” – April Lexi Lee and Sheree Wong
Rent, bills, health care deducted from wages all begin to play a role in the decision of staying together or breaking apart. As the significance of these criteria increases, individuals are becoming creative with their efforts to make deeper connections. Yet each of these connections tend to leap outside of established paradigms.