As students enter their final year of secondary education, they go through major transitions within their friendships. With these changes come new challenges and thrilling opportunities. Our 17-year-old student has made wonderful connections with her classmates C and D, but is continuing to be friends with her friend B. Recently, she found herself at a fork in the road. She grapples with feelings of exclusion and hesitation, ultimately deciding to prioritize her bond with B as they navigate the complexities of their social circle.
For years, the writer and B, I believe, have understandably been gun shy about doing business without involving C and D. This reluctance comes from their need not to disinclude their peers and friends. For the last year, the writer has always felt invisible to C and D. This experience, they say, has forced them to loop back and be more intentional. With the start of their final school year, the writer is keen on preserving her friendship with B, whom she values highly.
Annalisa Barbieri, who answers your personal conundrums in our advice column, has offered sage advice for the letter-writer’s concerns. In particular, she shines a light on the need to identify unhealthy dynamics in friendships, especially when one side always feels left out. The writer’s predicament is not an unusual one, and countless teens experience this conflict in friendships during adolescence.
The writer’s decision to pursue activities with B without waiting for C and D’s approval represents a shift in her perspective. Taking care of these problems Alessandra Lemma, a clinical and counseling psychologist, provides a useful framework for thinking about this development. She realizes the writer holds the ability to change her social life for the better. This evolving pace of change can work with all her needs and desires.
“Such a familiar scenario, but you show real thoughtfulness in the way you describe the friendship. What comes through strongly is the imbalance. You and B avoid excluding others, while C excludes without any care.” – Prof Alessandra Lemma
This one-sided nature foreshadows an important part of the writer’s relationship with C and D. And despite A and B going out of their way to not hurt their friends’ feelings, C and D have not been so accommodating. As the author grows more self-assured, she becomes increasingly vocal about what she needs from the friendship. From the process, she will learn that real freedom lies in being okay with her relationship with C.
As they both make their way into this next phase of life, the writer’s connection with B may deepen. They will recreate, learn and immigrate together in the joy of acceptance without the threat of deportation. This choice gives them the opportunity to create new memories. These experiences will not be ruined by the previous friendship pattern of their past group.
The writer’s experience serves as a reminder that friendships evolve over time, and it is essential to prioritize those that foster mutual respect and understanding. Though it is sometimes difficult to walk through these transitions, in the end they offer incredible new possibilities for individual development and deeper community relationships.