A writer grapples with a profound and complex grief after losing their partner of 22 years. The partner, who passed away six months ago, had kept the writer hidden from their other family for two decades, leaving the writer unable to openly mourn or share their relationship with those closest to the partner. Seeking advice from Annalisa Barbieri, a columnist known for addressing personal problems, the writer hopes to find a path to healing.
To cope with this unique form of grief, referred to as "disfranchised grief" by Mandy Gosling, a registered psychotherapist and grief specialist, the writer has turned to therapy. Gosling explains that the writer's inability to mourn publicly or even look at photos signifies a "stuck-ness" in the grieving process. The writer's journey is compounded by the struggle to accept their partner's decision to hide them from their other family.
“There is,” explained Gosling, “disfranchised grief here, the inability to mourn publicly, the inability to look at photos shows that mourning hasn’t happened, there is a stuck-ness to this.” – Mandy Gosling
Gosling has encouraged the writer to seek "glimmers of hope" rather than remain fixated on their hopeless situation. By looking for these small signs of positivity, the writer may gradually begin to navigate their path to healing. This guidance aims to foster an environment where the writer can find solace amidst the pain.
“Try to find the glimmers of hope rather than the hopeless, they are there,” – Mandy Gosling
The intensity of the writer's pain is deeply rooted in the love they shared with their partner. Gosling affirms that such pain is indicative of profound love and connection, underscoring the depth of their bond.
“You don’t feel this pain,” explains Gosling, “unless you have loved.” – Mandy Gosling
A pivotal part of finding closure lies in addressing the "magical other" of their partner—acknowledging them as human with flaws and complexity. This perspective can aid in processing grief by allowing for a more rounded view of the partner, moving beyond idealization.
“We felt the first thing that needed looking at was the “magical other” of your partner. To properly grieve for people they need to be seen as what they were – as humans.” – Mandy Gosling
Despite these challenges, Gosling suggests that the writer should consider sharing their relationship story with their partner's other family. While they are not obligated to reveal everything, doing so could help protect themselves and offer a sense of closure.
“You don’t have to tell everyone, nor do you have to tell them everything, but you don’t have to protect your partner any more, only yourself.” – Mandy Gosling
For the writer, this situation marks the first time they have disclosed their circumstances. The desire for closure and a way forward is strong, yet complicated by feelings of betrayal from being kept a secret. Learning how to move on from such a loss requires careful navigation of emotions and understanding of the intricate dynamics involved.