No wonder parents feel trapped. While their attention is focused on the practical tasks of moving, their 11-year-old daughter’s newfound close friendship with a classmate becomes obsessive and controlling. In the beginning, the parents were ecstatic. Their daughter had fought shyness and self-consciousness in her first few years of school, but now she’d already made a best friend. They’ve grown alarmed over time as they identify manipulative, controlling behaviors surfacing alongside this union.
Her friendship quickly takes a Jekyll and Hyde turn. Sometimes the classmate is fun, playful, and creative, participating in more normal childhood hijinks, but then they are suddenly manipulative and controlling in a way that disturbs the parents. This lack of uniformity adds confusion and stress for families. They have a hard time figuring out how to support their daughter in moving through this new, complex social dynamic.
The parents note that their daughter has begun to speak with them about her situation, expressing her discomfort with certain aspects of the friendship. Despite a sense of fear and panic developing, there is an emerging sense of urgency for proactive measures. We’re working to defend and liberate their daughter.
Annalisa Barbieri, an expert tackling these same unhelpful and controlling parental instincts, urges the need to confront these controlling tendencies right out of the gate. She says, “That’s the biggest shitstorm ever, your daughter’s gotta deal with all this.” It’s just so fucking sad they’re in class together. She wants to make sure you have the chance to speak with her new teacher. This might be the ideal opportunity for your daughter to get away from that friend and start over.
Ross Cormack, a UKCP-registered child and adolescent psychotherapist, highlights the need for parents to seek action in this situation. He writes, “We need to see more ‘action’ on your part to have the daughters of this country to continue to be protected and served. Cormack recommends that having other friends over—which isn’t as easy, we know—might help widen the daughter’s social circle. This transition will help her have safer, healthier relationships going forward.
Barbieri recommends that parents support their daughter’s participation in clubs or school activities. This is useful for the purposes of allowing her to get away from her overbearing best friend. With this approach, she has new opportunities to engage with her peers outside of her immediate friends. It furthers her independence and self-reliance and increases her self confidence.
In their ongoing support efforts, parents may find value in resources such as the podcasts “How To Motivate Your Child” and “The Art of Listening.” These programs provide effective, evidence-based approaches to increase relationship-building and engagement among children. Parents can be strongly helped by these tools as they approach this sensitive topic.
The dynamics of childhood friendships are anything but simple. Most importantly, parents need to be both watchful and encouraging. Simultaneously, they need to promote assertiveness for their daughter’s development in her relationships.
“Talking to her about being assertive locates the solution solely in her, when she doesn’t have the capacity or the confidence to be assertive.” – Annalisa Barbieri
Here’s what parents need to consider in order to best help their daughter. It’s important for them to walk the line between offering her instructions but subtly keeping her autonomy. First, they can make it safe for their child to share her experiences and feelings with them. This support will give her the ability to develop resilience to unhealthy outside pressures.