Jennifer Breheny Wallace is an acclaimed journalist. She’s the author of New York Times bestseller, Never Enough. Through all of her work, she helps us see the dangerous and insidious effects of achievement culture on children. After deep research of her own, she administered a survey to almost 500 students. She spent weeks tracking down trends that were downright scary, like how many kids think their parents’ love is contingent on how they do. This finding begs the question of what the long-term effects of this type of conditional acceptance are on children’s well-being and self-worth.
Yet, in an increasingly competitive world, the pressure to excel academically and with extracurriculars is more intense than ever. Wallace’s research should prompt parents to reconsider the way we cultivate our kids’ emotional health. She contends that the relentless drive to be the best can lead to a highly corrosive culture. This tone and culture can make students deeply question their sense of self.
Insights from Groundbreaking Research
In 2021, Wallace partnered with a researcher from Baylor University to study achievement culture. Broken down further, they wanted to investigate how societal expectations control the narrative for young adults. The results of her survey revealed a troubling sentiment: more than half of the participating students felt that their parents’ affection varied based on their achievements. This phenomenon, sometimes known as “conditional regard,” can leave enduring scars on children’s self-esteem and overall mental well-being.
Wallace’s efforts are more than just numbers. It takes cues from her real world experiences as a momma steering through a family life in post pandemic NYC with her husband and three teenage kids. And most importantly, she leads by example, exemplifying what she preaches by showing – without condition – love to those in her home. She has printed the face of a $20 bill on the side of her ornament. This example really hammers home what value versus worth means to her children.
“What’s it worth?” and “What’s it worth now?” – Jennifer Breheny Wallace
These questions tell you what matters in life beyond just achieving A’s and awards. It arises from our inherent dignity as human beings. Instead, Wallace would like to see parents focus on creating the right mindset, rather than just the right grades.
The Cost of Conditional Regard
Wallace’s observations provoke a vital discussion about the impact of achievement culture on contemporary society. By prioritizing performance over emotional connection, parents can unwittingly create anxiety and fear of failure in their kids. This constant pressure can contribute to staff burnout, mental health complications, and a decreased sense of self-worth.
Her book “Never Enough” explores these themes in greater depth, highlighting how the pursuit of success can overshadow the fundamental need for love and acceptance. Wallace contends, as many children do, it makes it difficult for them to establish a positive sense of self. This typically occurs when they link their self-worth to their success.
In her articles on CNBC and personal website, Wallace has doubled down on demand for a sea change in what parents value. She reminds caregivers to nurture a life outside academics and athletics where kids feel loved, no matter how they’re doing.
A Call for Change
Wallace presents her findings to a wider public through her own social media — particularly on her Instagram account @jenniferbrehenywallace, where visual storytelling makes a big impact. She wants to encourage other parents to adopt a new philosophy. She passionately argues that we’d have healthier, more resilient kids if we’d stop stressing so much about grades!
This conversation around achievement culture is bedrock to developing a healthy, thriving, and connected future generation. It is crucial that parents engage with their kids and discuss with them the pressures they face. You want your sons to know that they don’t have to achieve greatness to have your love – it is ever-present, unshakable, here and now.