Mark Travers, a psychologist specializing in relationships, has identified a crucial factor that often leads to conflicts among couples: tone of voice. As lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, Travers draws on two decades of research and lived experiences to help couples navigate their toughest obstacles. This telehealth company focuses first on online psychotherapy, counseling and coaching.
Armed with a PhD in psychology, Travers has spent his professional life unpacking the science of relationship-building. At Awake Therapy, he practices with clients mostly virtually, meeting them where they’re at—both physically and mentally. In doing so, they’re able to meet their needs without leaving home. His experience as a couples’ researcher has given him a unique skill set. What he really doesn’t like is the emotional baggage that tone of voice packs into a conversation.
In fact, research shows that less than 10 percent of how we interpret a message relies on the literal words used. This shows us that it’s extremely important not just what you say, but how you say it. To explain Travers’ most important point, many misunderstandings result from the emotional tone or inflection of communication.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to sound so harsh. Let me put it another way.” -Mark Travers, Boulder, Colorado
This quote gets to the heart of what nonprofit leaders know when they sense that their chosen tone has already misdirected the message. Travers urges partners to pay attention to how they speak, to favor clarity over assumption in conversation. When tempers are flared, he suggests it can sometimes be critical to reconsider your approach to communication.
I’d love to hear your input on this, but your tone is causing me to stop listening to you. Maybe try coming at it a different way next time.
By helping partners find a way to say things more peacefully, Travers helps set the stage for a more productive conversation. He’s passionate about how recognizing tone can immediately increase comprehension and decrease defensiveness.
In his practice, Travers often finds himself in situations where a minor change in tone might have saved all parties involved some heartache. For example, he says, starting with something like, “I know that came out more negatively than I was trying to,” can go a long way toward framing the conversation. By finishing with, “What I mean is…,” he promotes much healthier dialogue.
Travers’s approach is not just based on academic research, but on real-life experiences, learned through the School of Marriage that he and his wife attended together. He knows that building relationships takes time and a sensitivity to the way people might take your words. Through tone, he teaches couples to understand one another and get past divisions that keep them from connecting with loving, resonant communication.
“Wait a minute, I didn’t like the way that just sounded. Let me do that one more time.” – Mark Travers
We hope such statements become the norm in promoting a culture of honest and open dialogue. They invite people to stop, think, and dream. This process assists them to reformulate their ideas to improve clarity rather than trigger defensiveness.