Mark Travers, a top psychologist specializing in relationships and dating, unpacks the most dangerous phrases that can destroy romantic relationships. As the head psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telehealth company offering online psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching, Travers emphasizes the importance of communication in sustaining healthy relationships.
Through his practice, Travers has noticed that some well-intentioned statements are unintentionally poisonous and push partners away. He identifies a particularly damaging phrase that often leads to conflict: “Why can’t you be more like [insert other person’s name]?” This creates a cycle of resentment and insecurity. This constant comparison does even more than damage the partner’s sense of self-worth.
Travers explains, “When one partner compares the other to someone else, it sends a clear message: ‘You’re not enough, and someone else — anyone else — could do a better job at being my partner.’” This type of statement breeds an atmosphere of competition versus partnership, which is toxic to any relationship.
He highlights another common issue couples face: feeling disconnected when they fail to spend quality time together. The more I don’t feel connected because we don’t get enough couple time just being with each other,” said one partner during a session with Travers. This sentiment reflects a widespread struggle in modern relationships, particularly as busy schedules and daily responsibilities take precedence over shared experiences.
Rather than treating it as a personal affront,” Travers encourages couples to invest the effort in productive communication. He reminds us how important it is to share our emotional experience without getting defensive or accusatory. I hear in many of our frustrations. All of that would be terribly important to me because it makes for a much kinder space, and I hope we can all yell less. This type of conversation not only builds comprehension but creates connectivity in a more heartfelt way instead of creating division among collaborators.
Further, he points out the danger of arguments that can quickly spiral out of control. This is difficult for me when our disagreements turn in an instant. I’d love for us to work on staying grounded together during tough moments,” is a perspective he often recommends couples adopt. Partners should be honest about how difficult it can be to remain levelheaded in conflict. In doing so, they can better engage with each other to collaborate on solutions—not allow avoidable conflicts to escalate further.
With Awake Therapy’s online platform, people and couples can get the support they need from their home. Travers sees access to therapy as vitally important, both in general and specifically when it comes to relational problems. He advises anyone who’s having trouble communicating in their relationship to seek expert help.