Psychologist Mark Travers, PhD, helps us unpack some of the most frequent arguments that plague our partnerships. As the chief psychologist at Awake Therapy, Travers has been instrumental in providing online psychotherapy, counseling and coaching. He encourages all couples to pay attention to the pattern of conflict, not just who wins or loses the fight. Recent research highlights that one partner often bears the brunt of domestic responsibilities, which can lead to tension and misunderstandings.
The latest YouGov poll of 1,000 American adults is encouraging. Over the course of the week, participants shared their biggest relationship pet peeves that often lead to couples fighting. Among other things, these findings showed that a lot of arguments come from unequal sharing of domestic work and irritation over relationships with in-laws. Typically, the other partner ends up feeling unsupported or thrown under the bus when their husband or wife automatically takes the position protecting their family’s interests.
No matter the case, Travers says that admitting the cause of contempt is key to fostering healthy communication. “Pinpointing what’s fueling contempt is the first step to expressing oneself without hurting the relationship,” he explains. Equity in a collaboration isn’t necessarily equal division of labor or resources. Rather, it’s creating an environment of mutual accountability that empowers both partners to feel respected.
The survey results are a helpful reminder that couples are often in conflict, especially when it comes to household responsibilities. When one partner is consistently left to do the lion’s share of responsibilities, it creates a breeding ground for resentment and frustration. This imbalance, if not openly and constructively addressed, can rapidly lead to bigger conflicts.
Another significant area of contention involves in-laws. It can lead to couples feeling pitted against one another by the way each spouse’s family disrespects the other and their partner. The added stress may intensify when one spouse believes their partner is choosing their family over them. Without realizing it, this dynamic usually leaves the other spouse feeling unappreciated.
To combat this, Travers suggests couples come up with a unique word or phrase. This is the signal they will use to know when their conversation is getting too adversarial or tense. He drives home this idea through an example such as, “We’re out of control, let’s have a break.” This process offers a great opportunity for partners to stop and regroup before feelings have the chance to get out of hand.
As your teams wade into these areas of contention, communication will be your most valuable tool. When it comes to discussing these, Travers recommends that couples cultivate openness and vulnerability in difficult conversations. For instance, one partner might express their feelings by saying, “I love my family, but you’re still my partner. How can we find a solution that meets both of our needs and values?”
Further, he calls attention to feelings of condescension that may arise in the process, and need to be quelled in discussion. Partners should feel empowered to communicate their discomfort by stating something like, “That felt condescending. Can we try again?” This fosters a safe space in which both parties can communicate openly and truthfully without the fear of criticism or repercussion.